Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
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