so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
