I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
