clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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