I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
