Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
