Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
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