If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
