1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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