Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I have feelings that need drinking.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
