we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
