Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
