I can tuck mytits in my pants
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
organizing the empties. That sober.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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