matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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