I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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