Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
