i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
