I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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