Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
