yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
