I forgot how hot balto sounded
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
