Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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