I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
