Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Me. At least after what I've been through.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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