i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Found your dick twin last night
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
