Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
It was confusing and full of hummus
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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