you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
