maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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