If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
this just has baby written all over it
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
