You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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