i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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