My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
