She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
