what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
