I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
