K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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