So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
