Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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