I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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