I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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