Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
