If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
