he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
