My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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