Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
