So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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