I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
