Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Randomize
