Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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