Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
