Dude my mom stole all your condoms
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Rumble strips road head = magical
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
