i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
